


Don't Leave Me, Please

by Starlight1395



Series: Light in the Dark [12]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of tears, M/M, Open Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, brief mention of little Felix, chan pov, lowkey caregiver chan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 22:53:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20366431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Chan knew something was wrong when he left for work. Felix never woke up before him. Felix never sobbed as he held onto the older boy as if his world was ending. Felix never said goodbye so... seriously.During his lunch break, Chan finally puts the pieces together. He runs home, but is he too late? The apartment is silent, and there's a note on the counter. Was Chan too late? Was Felix gone forever?





	Don't Leave Me, Please

Chan woke up to the smell of breakfast. He sat up, slightly confused. Normally he was the one that woke up early to make breakfast for him and his baby, but it seems Lix beat him to it - not that he was complaining. He loved Felix more than anything - they had met only two years before, through mutual friends. They were just friends to begin with, but after finding Felix mid panic attack, Chan wanted to protect him from everything.

Their one year anniversary was coming up, and Chan had been trying to plan something special. He had been getting help from Felix’s best friend and his own co-worker, Jisung. They worked at an office, and while it was boring as hell, it paid a lot so he could spoil Felix whenever he could.

“You’re up early.” Chan smiled as he hugged Felix from behind, watching his smaller boyfriend cook. Felix flinched a little before leaning into Chan’s chest.

“Wanted to do something special for you.” He said, his deep voice deeper than usual. Chan frowned and turned Felix away from the stove to look at him. His stomach dropped when he saw how red and swollen Felix’s normally bright eyes were.

“Baby what’s wrong?” he asked, wiping the drying tears from Felix’s freckled cheeks. Felix looked away. “Did you have a bad dream?”

“Um… yeah, just a bad dream,” He chuckled, his face scarrily blank. “I also made you lunch to take with you. Breakfast should be ready soon.”

“You spoil me baby,” Chan nuzzled his nose against Felix’s cheek, knowing it was a sure fire way of making the younger boy smile. Felix’s mouth only twitched in the ghost of a smile before he turned away from the older boy. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Just a little tired,” Felix said, his back towards his boyfriend. “I’ll take a nap later. There are some… things I wanted to do before you get home.”

“Don’t work too hard, okay?” Chan wrapped his arms around Felix’s waist, trying to think of how to comfort his baby.

“I barely do anything to begin with,” Felix pouted a little, sounding closer to his normal self. “You keep telling me I don’t have to get a job but I feel so guilty just sitting around doing nothing. You do everything for me…”

“Now that’s not true,” Chan kissed Felix’s neck. “You cook for me, and make sure I don’t forget to eat when I get busy. You know exactly how to make a bad day perfect, and your singing makes all the stress in my life instantly vanish. All I really do is buy things and make you cum-”

“Chris!” Felix squeaked, his boyfriend’s English name slipping out. That was the last thing he expected the elder to say. Chan grinned at how red Felix’s ears suddenly were.

“I’m so lucky to have you Lixie,” He nuzzled his nose against Felix’s neck. “You’re an angel. You make me so, so happy. I love you so much Lixie. My Lixie, My baby.”

“I love you too daddy.” Felix whispered, his words small. Chan pulled away, about to ask what was wrong when Felix’s timer went off. He quickly shooed his boyfriend away to finish their breakfast.

“Aren’t you eating?” Chan asked, noticing Felix only put out one plate.

“Ah, I was eating as I cooked,” Felix said with a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. Chan frowned. “Besides, I want to make sure you have enough.”

“You’re too good to me,” Chan pouted, holding a bite out for Felix to eat. The freckled boy hesitated before taking it, chewing slowly. They shared the plate, Chan feeding Felix as many bites as the younger would let him. “Ah, I should probably get going.”

“I- I love you,” Felix threw himself into Chan’s arms, wrapping his arms around Chan’s neck and hiding his face in the elder’s neck. “I love you so much… I’ll miss you Chrissy.”

“Chrissy? You haven’t called me that in forever,” Chan laughed and hugged his boyfriend back just as tight. His arms fit so perfectly around Felix, like the younger boy was designed specifically to be held by him. “I’ll be back before dinner baby, don’t miss me too much.”

“I just-” Felix started before bursting into tears. Chan felt his stomach drop again as he held him tighter. Felix just sobbed into his shoulder, shaking as if his bones were trying to break apart from inside.

“Lix? Baby? What’s going on?” Chan was starting to panic. “I’m staying home-”

“No! No, I’m fine,” Felix pulled away, wiping his face frantically with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, which had been Chan’s but was quickly stolen long before they even started dating. “I’m fine, just… shaken up from a nightmare, I promise. You should go to work. I know you get-get anxious when you miss work.”

“But if you’re upset, I’m not just going to leave you alone-”

“I’m fine now daddy, I promise,” Felix gave Chan a blinding smile, which was so contradictory to the tears streaming down his face. “Have a good day at work.”

“I love you Lixie.” Chan still wasn’t so sure, but he knew Felix was stubborn once he got his mind set on something.

“Goodbye Chrissy,” Felix whispered, hugging Chan again. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll be right back,” Chan didn’t like the weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. “Make sure you eat lunch, okay? I want my baby to be healthy.”

“I love you.” Felix hugged him tighter, as if he was afraid to let go. Chan hugged his boyfriend as long as he could, not knowing why Felix was acting this way. The boy pulled away and kissed him deeply, as if he was trying to tell Chan something through the kiss but he didn’t know what Felix was trying to say.

Soon, unfortunately, Chan had to go. His usual train had already left, so he was going to be late for work.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” He asked softly, peppering Felix’s face with kisses, pressing his lips against each and every one of his freckles. Felix just nodded, not looking Chan in the eye. “Alright baby, Daddy will be home before you know it. I love you.”

“Love you.”

Chan kissed him once more before slipping on his shoes and leaving their shared apartment.

As he made his way to work, Chan reflected on their relationship. He remembered how hesitant Felix had been to start dating. How scared Felix had looked when he explained what sort of partner he needed - someone to take care of him in a way a normal boyfriend probably wouldn’t. Chan learned a lot about something called ‘littles’ in that conversation. Felix explained he wasn’t the sort that age regressed, but he was forgetful, and sometimes became bratty when he was stressed or frustrated, and needed someone who wouldn’t get mad at him and help him through it. He even admitted that he wasn’t sure if he’d be considered part of that community, but that he finds a lot of comfort in the things ‘real littles’ did. He explained that he had his stuffie - a penguin that showed its age - and how he felt anxious without him. How he needed someone to be a caretaker, who wouldn’t think he was weird or stupid or childish.

Chan never thought any of that about Felix. He was instantly eager to be that person for the younger boy. He had always been fairly paternal, and all he knew was that he wanted Felix to feel loved.

Most of the time things went smoothly with Felix, but there were times when he tested Chan’s patience. Crying, screaming, pouting, throwing a tantrum. It took a while for Chan to realize what Felix’s triggers were, and how to help his boyfriend when things got bad. He realized it was mostly anxiety based, and when he got too overwhelmed he started to panic. Chan was sure to talk Felix through his panic when he could.

“Why the long face hyung?” Jisung asked as Chan booted up his computer. He had to give a presentation for some marketing campaign and while he’s been planning it for a while now, he had yet to actually start the presentation.

“Felix was acting weird this morning,” Chan sighed, chewing at his bottom lip gently - something Felix would scold him constantly for. “I dunno… I just have a bad feeling.”

“Lix is a weird kid hyung, don’t worry about it,” Jisung tossed Chan an apple. “I’ll send him a text though. I’m sure he’s just tired or sick or something.”

“Oh god, you don’t think he’s sick, do you?” Chan sat up in his chair, his face paling. “I left him all alone when he’s sick, oh my god-”

“Hyung relax!” Jisung threw a paper ball at the older boy’s head. “We both know Felix. He hides a lot of stuff, but since you’ve started dating he’s been a lot more open. Besides, you have him wrapped around your little finger. He wouldn’t want to be alone when he’s sick. He’d absolutely beg you to stay home again.”

“If anything, I’m the whipped one,” Chan played with the chain of his necklace - the matching six month gift he got for them. “He wouldn’t even have to open his mouth before I’m asking ‘how high?’ I’d do anything for him.”

“Gay.” Jisung giggled, causing Chan to scowl.

“Just cuz you’re jealous-”

“And if I am?” He stuck his tongue out for a moment before his expression softened. “Seriously though hyung, I’m glad you two have each other. If something feels off, I’ll see if I can call him or something.”

“I don’t want him to know I’m worrying.”

“We were planning on going shopping soon anyway. I can use that as an excuse to check in on him.” Jisung leaned back in his chair.

“Thanks Sungie, you’re a good friend.”

“Better believe it,” He grinned. “The best friend ever, who deserves to be bought lunch by his oh so grateful hyung.”

“Sorry, but Lixie made me lunch today.” Chan grinned and patted his bag. Jisung scowled and let his forehead slam on the desk.

“Guess it’s cafe food again for me.” he groaned pathetically. Chan just laughed and shook his head, the bad feeling in his stomach gone for the time being.

* * *

  
“You wanna come eat with me?” Jisung asked as soon as it hit noon - the scheduled lunch break for all employees.

“I’m going to keep working,” Chan said, fiddling with his presentation. “I’ll catch you later though.”

“You work too hard.” the younger grumbled before heading to the elevator. Chan pulled out his lunch and started eating, smiling at how much work Felix put into it.

Speaking of Felix…

Chan minimized his presentation and brought up Google. He stared at the search bar for a second, wondering how he should go about this, when he just started typing in keywords.

‘Crying, saying goodbye, I’ll miss you’ he tried to think of all the things that seemed off with his boyfriend that morning. The first few searches gave him nothing, but when he started to look the phrases up together…

“Oh god…” Chan’s stomach dropped. The first result was an article titled “How To Know When a Loved One is Suicidal.”

Felix had a past with depression, and Chan knew Felix had low self esteem. He and the freckled boy had been working for months to help him realize how amazing he was.

Then, that morning came rushing back.

_“I’m just tired.”_

_“I barely do anything to begin with.”_

_“I’m going to miss you.”_

_“Goodbye Chrissy.”_

“Oh fuck-” Chan didn’t even grab his coat. He ran from the desk, towards the elevators, just as the metal doors were opening. Jisung stepped out just in time to bump into Chan, who was caught so off guard that he fell back and slammed into the ground.

“Shit hyung you okay? Where you running off too?” He asked, helping Chan up with his free hand, but Chan was already sprinting down the stairs. Jisung just shrugged, somewhat used to the older boy’s somewhat eclectic behavior. It came with growing up in a foreign county, he supposed.

He walked past Chan’s desk and realised he had left his computer on. Not wanting his work to get erased, Jisung went over to save the file when he saw what was up on the screen. Not Chan’s presentation, but an article about Suicidal Tendencies.

With shaking hands, Jisung checked Chan’s search history, his stomach sinking lower and lower as he pieced together what had happened. He took a breath and saved Chan’s project before closing the article and clearing the search history.

Jisung then made a call to HR, telling them Chan had to leave early due to a family emergency, and that he would contact the elder to see if he’d be back in that week. He sat down at his desk, his lunch long forgotten, and buried his face in his hands.

There was nothing he could do but cry.

* * *

  
Chan flung open the apartment door, tears running down pale cheeks. He wasn’t 100% sure, so he wanted to stay composed, but it all made sense - why Felix was up so early, why he was so sad, why he started crying.

The apartment was spotless, which tipped Chan off that something was wrong. Two boys lived there, and the only time everything had been this clean was when Chan’s parents were coming to visit from Australia. The rugs had been vacuumed, the pictures dusted, even the couch had been cleaned and the pillows placed carefully. The kitchen was the same - counters, floors, sink, everything was spotless. Chan saw an envelope on the counter and his knees almost gave out. He only had to read the first sentence to have his fears confirmed.

_“Please don’t miss me too much, and don’t try to find me. It’s better off this way, trust me.”_

Felix walked out of the bedroom, arms full of sheets. His headphones were in, and the music was playing so loudly that Chan could hear it from across the apartment. Felix shoved the sheets into the small washer and added soap before setting the dial and closing the lid.

“I still have a few hours before he gets home,” He said to himself, hiccuping as he cried. His face was red, which meant he had probably been crying since Chan left, all those hours ago. “I just have to clean the bathroom, then I’m done-”

“Lix-” Chan didn’t hesitate. He threw himself at Felix, tackling the boy onto the freshly vacuumed carpet.

“What-what are you doing home?” Felix sounded scared, and that broke Chan’s heart. He sobbed into Felix’s shoulder.

“Please don’t leave me,” Chan cried, holding onto Felix as if the boy would disappear if he didn’t. “Please, oh god baby please don’t go-”

“I-”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t notice before,” Chan sobbed harder, feeling like he was going to break a rib. “I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t there for you baby.”

“It’s not your fault-” Felix’s voice cracked painfully. “I just… it hurts. I don’t want to be- be a b-burden any-anymore.”

“A burden? You’ve never been a fucking burden,” Chan didn’t know someone could cry as much as he was right then. “I’d die without you Lix. You’re my fucking soulmate. Please don’t- don’t leave me all alone again. I love you so much.”

“I’m sorry-” Felix wailed, burying his face in Chan’s shoulder and letting out all the tears he had been holding in before.

How long had Felix been hiding this from him? How long had Felix been feeling like a burden? Feeling like he needed to die to make Chan happy?

Soon, Felix’ sobs turned into wet breaths as he fell asleep in Chan’s arms. He easily picked the smaller boy up and brought him to the bigger bedroom. When Felix moved in, he insisted on having his own room - and Chan instantly agreed. Who needed an in home office when he had the sun itself?

He gently changed Felix from his work clothes to one of his oversized shirts that came down to the younger boy’s knees and tucked him into the freshly made bed. He left the door open, listening for any signs of Felix waking up, and went to the kitchen.

Where Felix’s letter was.

Just as he was about to pick it up, their door buzzed. Chan wiped his face as best as he could and went to answer.

“Felix-” Jisung gasped, his arms filled with the things Chan left at the office and his face streaked with tears. “Please tell me you weren’t too l-late-”

“He’s okay,” Chan whispered, ushering Jisung into the apartment before the younger’s knees gave out. “He’s sleeping now…”

“So you were right…”

“You saw my computer?”

“I saved your presentation… and cleared your history. Told the boss you had a family emergency… brought you back your stuff- are you sure he’s okay?”

“I mean… he’s alive,” Chan ran a hand through his bangs. “I doubt he’s okay.”

“Is that…” Jisung pointed to the pink stationary laying open on the counter.

“Yeah,” Chan closed his eyes tightly. “I’m scared to read it but I know I have to. I need to know why he almost- I need to know how to help him.”

_“Please don’t miss me too much, and don’t try to find me. It’s better off this way, trust me.”_ Jisung read, his voice shaking. Chan’s head shot up, but the younger boy kept reading before he could say anything._ “Don’t take this to mean I don’t love you, because I loved you more than anything, but I didn’t deserve you. All I did was whine and waste your money on stupid things. I think maybe you were the only one who realized I wasn’t good enough for you. I guess this is my final gift to you - the chance to find someone who treats you better than you treat them. I made you dinner, it’s in the fridge. I know you - take care of yourself. For me. In my honor. Don’t try to find me, because it’ll just hurt you more and I d-don’t want to hurt you anymore,”_ Jisung’s voice cracked. Chan didn’t have to look to know he was crying. “_You were the best thing to ever happen to me. My daddy, my boyfriend, my Chrissy… Please, I know I want you to move on but please don’t forget about me-”_

Chan’s head shot up when he heard a near silent sob come from the hallway. Jisung watched, confused, as Chan tipped the chair over to run to where the sound came from. There, Felix was crouching against the wall, sobbing into his knees.

He heard Jisung reading his suicide letter.

“Oh baby,” Chan pulled Felix into a hug. “You’re going to be okay. We’re going to work through this together.”

“Why did you have to come home early?” Felix whispered, and those eight words felt like a spear had lodged itself right in Chan’s heart.

“My baby needed me,” He whispered, his body aching from how scared he was. What would have happened if he waited, like Felix told him to? If he had waited until the end of his shift and went home like usual, only to find an empty apartment. “I could never leave my baby when he needs me.”

“I’m so sorry.” Felix sobbed, his body trembling in Chan’s arms. How had he not noticed how bad things had gotten? How had he not noticed the dullness in Felix’s eyes? How tired his boyfriend was all the time? How withdrawn and isolated Felix was becoming?

This was all Chan’s fault.

“You don’t have to apologize baby,” Chan fought to keep his voice level. “I should be the one apologizing. I’ve left you all alone, haven’t I? Well, not anymore. I’m not going to leave you alone ever again. We’re going to get through this together, you hear me?”

“You’re not alone Lixie.” Jisung wrapped his arms around the two, which caused Felix to cry even harder.

Chan held Felix until he cried himself to sleep again. How many tears could one small boy possibly have in him?

“What are we going to do now?” Jisung whispered. Chan had carried Felix to the couch, and was holding him protectively as he slept. Chan ran his fingers through Felix’s bangs softly, trying to memorize the feeling of his boyfriend’s breath hitting his neck.

“Well, I’m going to look for a therapist first of all,” Chan sighed. He and Felix had talked about the younger seeing a therapist a few times, but each time the conversation ended with ‘I don’t think it’s bad enough to need professional help. Let’s watch a movie’ and then he’d change the subject and forget about it until Chan brought it back up again. “I’ll talk to someone to see if he can get on antidepressants.”

“He’s going to hate that.” Jisung said. Felix hated taking vitamins. Having to take mood stabilizers would make him go mad.

“I know, but I can’t lose him,” A tear plopped onto Felix’s bangs. “I don’t care if he hates me after all of this. I just need him to be okay.”

“He could never hate you.”

“I love him so much…”

“And he loves you hyung.”

“You know… I was thinking of proposing,” Chan whispered, staring at Felix’s face - trying to memorize the constellations on his nose. “We can’t- we can’t legally get married for real, but I wanted to do the whole getting down on one knee thing. I’ve been looking for the right ring. I wanted to throw a big reception since we can’t have a wedding. Everyone would be invited and there would be cake and champagne and- and I’d look him in the eye and say my vows and promise that I’d cherish him until the end of time and-”

“You’ll get the chance to do that,” Jisung was trying his hardest not to cry anymore, but hearing Chan’s voice crack almost broke his resolve. “We’ll start with calling you out of work. Say it was a family emergency. We’ll tell them you can come back on Monday at the earliest, and that you can do some of your work from home.”

“In the morning I’ll talk to Lix about therapy, and try to get him to open up about it. I know bottling shit like this up is what causes people to- to snap.” he sniffled sadly.

“Keep me updated, okay?” Jisung stood, knowing he needed to give the two their space to work things out. “I’ll get the others to bring over food when they can. I won’t tell them what happened. I’ll just say Lix is sick and you can’t cook.”

“Thank you Sungie, for everything,” Chan smiled at the younger boy, his face feeling tight from the tears. “Get home safe.”

“Will do,” He waved, putting his shoes on. “And make sure you eat. Lix will be mad if he wakes up and you haven’t eaten anything.”

“That’s such a Felix thing,” Chan chuckled as Jisung let himself out. “Always looking out for others…”

* * *

  
“What are you-?” Felix yelped a little as Chan swung him up onto the counter. He had just woken up, his hair sticking up in all directions and his voice deeper. Chan wrapped his arms around Felix’s waist and rested his head against the younger’s chest, his hips fitting between Felix’s thighs perfectly.

“Just listening.” He closed his eyes and let the sound of Felix’s heartbeat fill his body. He almost lost that sound. Forever.

“Hyung, I’m sorry-”

“You don’t have to apologize baby,” Chan didn’t pull his ear away. “Though if you feel up to it, I made an appointment to talk to someone later today.”

“Like… a therapist?” Felix froze a little.

“If it’s too soon, we can reschedule for tomorrow-”

“N-no, I should probably talk to someone.” Felix rested his cheek on the top of Chan’s head. Chan sighed silently. It really was that bad, if Felix was admitting he needed help.

“I love you baby,” Chan whispered. “No matter what. I’m going to help you through this. You don’t have to feel alone anymore.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Felix hummed. “I just… you work so hard, and I feel so worthless because I don’t do anything for you-”

“You do so much for me,” Chan cut him off, looking up at the boy. “You make waking up worth it. You keep my healthy, and tell me to take a break when I get too focused on work. You made me try all these new foods that I hadn’t before. You made my homesickness go away. You brightened my life the second you walked into it. I wouldn’t be able to function like this without you baby. We’re a team - we’re a team Felix. I need you.”

“I love you so much,” Felix’s eyes turned glassy. “I’m so sorry-”

Chan didn’t let him apologize. He pulled Felix off the counter and wrapped the boy’s legs around his waist before kissing him deeply. Felix’s lips were salty and chapped, but Chan didn’t care. All he cared about was the fact that Felix was still there to kiss him back. That Felix was still alive to wrap his arms around Chan’s neck.

“Your appointment isn’t until three,” Chan said, hesitantly pulling away. “Want to take a bath? I have one of those bath bombs you like hidden away. The kind that turns the water sparkly.”

“Will you take it with me?” Felix nuzzled his face into Chan’s neck.’

“Of course baby,” He kissed Felix’s ear. “I’m always going to be here for you.”

“I wanna nap too.”

“Is baby tired?” Chan teased lightly. As scared as he was, he knew Felix was going to be talking about what happened a lot in the upcoming days and wanted to let the younger know that their relationship hadn’t changed. He was still Chan’s baby, no matter what.

“Yeth.” Felix smiled slightly, knowing how hard Chan was trying to make him feel better.

“Okay Lixie, we can take a bath then take a nap,” He kissed Felix again before carrying him towards the bathroom. “If you’re good during therapy, we can get ice cream on the way home too.”

“I want matcha ice cream.”

“Anything my baby wants.”

It was going to be a long road, but as long as Felix was alive to walk it with him, Chan was certain they’d make it to the end. Together. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in a single sitting as a vent fic because my emotions are all over the place and I wanna die!!


End file.
